On the phone with Grandmother

I spoke with my grandmother, yesterday. I call her about once a week on my drive into work. She has never been much of a phone person. I don’t remember speaking to her often as a child from the phone accept on birthdays and holidays. However, her voice has always comforted me. I enjoy these calls. They make me feel connected and I like to hear her voice in the mornings. She tells me about what her cats are doing and how the birds are right outside her window. These conversations makes me smile. Yes, this is what you should do at the age of 82.

Grandmother has also always been there to help me. I remember calling her from my dorm room at the University of Tennessee in Knoxville, asking for help on a sociology paper twenty years ago. She told me about living in Montgomery, Alabama, in the 1950s. She remembers seeing a bus shoved over because the riders were not white. I made an A on the paper.

Just a few short years later, without a diploma in hand, I would get married at too young of an age to a man much older and not wiser by any means. She was there. When I had a baby a year later, she came to my house and realized that my refrigerator was not working, she bought me a new one. I still have it in my house 16 years later. When my baby needed glasses, when I graduated college finally, when I got divorced and fought for my daughter, she was there -sending a check, attending graduation, listening to my anguish. And when I got remarried, she would celebrate with me the delight of finally finding my way.

Grandmother and I have started to work through her mother’s life work on these weekly phone calls. Catharine Robertson Sheils or Grandmother Cat, as we have always called her, was a writer, a project manager, a genealogist, a healer and so many other things. My grandmother and her brother have often said that I am a lot like Grandmother Cat. I imagine that this process will prove how much we are alike or different. Till then, I savor the time I have talking to my Grandmother.

Writer’s writings

Writers are best at putting off writing. Everything else beckons me away from writing.  I can guilt myself into feeling so bad for not writing that I don’t write. I can blame procrastination, if I say, “if I beat this level of Candy Crush, then I’ll start writing.”  Sometimes I am quite possibly too old or too young, not experienced or hyper-experienced, no teenage angst and too much middle-aged drama. Responsibly, I sit here now, just as I spent the day sitting at a computer in a cold cubicle all day, and wonder if I want to put any more energy into another keyboard.  I am here contemplating a few words and wondering if anything is really worth saying at all.

Still, I call myself a writer. Whether I am putting it off or making excuses, I still name my occupation, my soul, my heart, my name is writer. I have to get over the fact that I may not be any good at writing, that my grammatical awareness is stunted and that my creativity may truly be lacking.

Writing calls to me. It whispers as I watch people going about their business, strangers at tables in restaurants talking. Who are those people and what are their stories?  As if intuition gives me a peek into their lives; the brief encounter of seeing them across the restaurant means something to this writer’s mind.

My great-grandmother, Catharine, was a writer.  I have just recently started digging through her notes and scribblings. Pages of poems are mixed with biblical children’s stories are mixed with a multitude of genealogy excerpts and stories. Pages and pages of hand-written work provide some insight into who I am and who she was. Writers must write in spite of all of the excuses that they may have. Like Catharine, I am digging in the past to find some relevance into the future. This is my path to my own writer’s writings.

Cat Robertson Sheils photo20170625_14052387_0001
Catharine Robertson Sheils, my great grandmother.